This is basically borne out of the plethora of charming and whimsical blog posts I’ve read lately about how great it is that sodding autumn is here. It’s an antidote to all the smug happiness. As ever, I am your loyal servant, readers…
1. Winter is coming
Autumn means winter is coming, and summer is over. Winter is a cold, dark, miserable experience in the UK (so’s the summer though – ho ho ho), punctuated only by Christmas-related stress in the middle of it. It is not something to be celebrated.
2. Starbucks floods Instagram
People love, love, love to post pictures of their sodding Starbucks cups on Instagram at this time of year. Sometimes they’re red. Imagine! Sometimes they have leaves drawn on them. Holy crap. Definitely people must know you’re drinking some horrendous coffee laced with synthetic flavourings and cancer-inducing sweeteners. Quickly, post it on Instagram. No one has ever seen anything like this. Extra points if the “barista” spelt your name wrong on the cup, all while their soul slowly dies as they give the best years of their life to some mega corporation, faffing over soy milk and syrups when really their true calling is as a musician/poet/author.
3. People start counting down days to Christmas in “sleeps”
More on Christmas starting in Autumn later (be excited!), but a particular bug bear of mine is people – nay, adults – counting down days in the measurement of “sleeps”. It seems to especially be related to Christmas. What’s wrong with being an adult and saying “days”? It’s not charming to talk like a child when you’re over the age of 10. It makes everyone else’s skin crawl. These are probably the same people that call holidays “holibops” and describe food they’ve enjoyed as “nom” or – even worse! – “nommy”. There is a special place in hell reserved for them.
“Oh, I love autumn. You can dig out all your snuggly clothes again,” people cheep. WRONG! Whatever you wear in autumn, it’s never right. If you wear a jumper then it’ll be sunny, and if you leave your coat at home then the clouds will turn grey and rain all over you. And even if that doesn’t happen, the office has either been heated aggressively, or Clive in accounts won’t let the heating go on until AT LEAST DECEMBER!! so you sit there with your teeth chattering. Basically it’s inbetweeny weather that is impossible to dress for.
5. Christmas in Autumn
I work in publishing, so I am au fait with “Christmas in Summer” parties (a heinous idea thought up by PRs to cope with print press’ long lead times). It’s a semi-necessary evil. However, it’s Christmas hitting the shops/TV/sound systems in October that I really object to. And people lap it up. “I can’t wait for the John Lewis Christmas advert,” rosy-cheeked people beam. They need to have a word with themselves. You’re looking forward to an advert, pal. What is wrong with celebrating Christmas just in the actual run up to Christmas, i.e. one or two weeks before? Why can’t we just KEEP CHRISTMAS SPECIAL? (And by “special” I mean it’s own kind of nightmare).